Time to reflect

I seem to find that my life runs in clumps.... sections that can be sorted and catagorized. I like things orderly and in its place. One of my control issues I guess. My groups are kind of
"Before Kindergarten"
"Elementary School"
"High School and Getting to Know God"
"Marriage Chapter One"
"The Girls Arrive and Grow"
" Life with Llamas"
"Betrayal and Lies"
"A New Beginning"
"The Boys"
"A Surprise that Changed Us Forever"
" A Miracle to Hold"

I think that takes us to the present. My life has never felt chearer to me. My Bible never as interesting as it seems to be now. It is almost as though I can taste the moment. Life isn't perfect, I still have laundry and dust, bills are still pouring in, I miss having Courtney here at home with us, and our building project seems to be never ending but at the same time I know in my heart that God is in control, he will handle the details. I know in my heart that the things that really matter are taken care of. 3 years ago after being surprised with a pregnancy I thought my world was falling in with the words of a Dr. Everything looks good "EXCEPT" Those words were the beginning of change for me. Loosing a baby that was almost here. I never dreamed I would be one of the many "marked Mom's". The ones that all belong to the same club, the club nobody wants to join. But without choice you join and you change. My life was marked with grief and despair, June 17 we lost Mackenzie. I had to be a Mom to 4 other kids so I couldn't just retreat to my bed. I treaded through the next months mourning the loss of our sweet baby. Then in the fall I just knew in my heart that I needed to have another baby. Tim was not so sure. I really wanted to try again but he wasn't even interested in talking about it. He got so tired of me talking about it that he made me promise not to bring up the idea till after Christmas. My first comment on New Year's Day was "Well, you remember what we are going to talk about?" Tim was not impressed....... he knows me well. I already had adoption information ready for him to look at. Unfortunately, he was not comfortable with adoption, in the states it is too hard to be sure that in the end the baby in yours and International Adoptions require lengthy stays before things are final. He did not want to leave the boys for any length of time. He finally agreed to try IVF for another baby.

In February I got a call from Elizabeth, one of the playgroup Mom's I had known since Logan was born. She knew all about loosing Mackenzie and wanted to talk to me about her carrying a baby for us. Although I was very touched I told her that I really wanted to carry a baby myself. We went to the Reproductive Dr. and took a class about IVF. Wow!!! Talk about a lot of shots. We got all set-up I got a box of drugs and needles and off we went. After our first retrieval we got 4 eggs, they PGD'd them to make sure that they didn't have any problems and the day before we were to put them back we got the devastating news that none of the 4 were normal. Back to the land of the dark!!! I took it very hard, I just knew that there was supposed to be one more baby. I was also told that 4 bouts of hyper emesis had taken a toll on my veins and that my thyroid was not really in any shape to carry a pregnancy.

Elizabeth called again, I dismissed it. Elizabeth called again, finally this time I listened to her tell me that she felt God was calling her to carry a baby for us. Tim was not listening yet, he felt like we were just being hormonal and was worried about how Elizabeth would feel when the baby was born. Elizabeth called again, this time telling me that at a stop sign she heard the voice once again tell her this was something she needed to do. I talked to Tim till I was blue in the face and finally after many weeks of pouting he said fine, your going to pout till you get your way. Although I felt bad about the puting I was overjoyed to hear him say OK.

Now the Dr. hunt was on, we were turned down time after time. Nobody wanted to get involved with this situation. She could change her mind things could get sticky. Finally we found a Dr. willing to help out. Score! Then we had to find a legal expert to draw up the proper papers. Another sticky thing to find but we stumbled on one of the formost in the country and she even lived and worked close to us. Score again! On our first appointment to the Dr. he told us Elizabeth was about 2 days from where we needed to be. We scrambled into place to get everything in order. One IUI later and a lot of stress due to scheduling and Elizabeth was pregnant!!! She had told me that she thought we would have a girl, in my heart I wanted a healthy baby so much but a girl on top would be my dream. The pregnancy was not easy for Elizabeth and she ended up in the hospital with kidney infection and then was taken off work 12 weeks before her due date. It was a very different pregnancy for me. Hard to not be a part of it but for the first time ever I felt good with a baby on the way. I decided I wanted to name the baby after Tim's Dad Kenneth. So girl or boy I wanted to name the baby Kendall Grace or John after my Dady for a boy. Tim hated it ...... it took a lot of begging and the attorney prenaming after casually asking if we were thinking about names to get my way on her name. Now I can't imagine her as anything else.

More of the story next time.............................. my eyes are getting heavy!