I seem to wait for it every year with excitement..... Summer. All seems more relaxed. School is in low-gear and the days are long. Clothes are lighter and so are meals. Just about the time we get into good swing it seems that summer is already passing the mid mark and we are faced with the 4th of July. The heat starts to become stuffy and we retreat inside to be "cool" humidity here in Ohio can be stifling. Our 14 llamas fight for spots infront of the large fans in the barn. The cats stretch out and sun themselves. Yep, it is summer. I find it completely refreshing that I live in an area that has 4 distinctive seasons. You yearn for each one and by the time you have had enough another rolls around.
Over the past 3 years I feel that I have been transforming into something else. A different person than I was before. Still a Mother, Wife, and Daughter.... but more. I have been a Christian since I was a teenager, but I think for me being a Christian has been an evolving process. I think that when I heard Jesus calling many times I must have also said "Just a minute" (darn that A type personality). So the nudging would continue and I gave a few more bits of myself but always held onto parts. Feeling that I could handle things better, not wanting to let go of the control.
What a gracious God we serve. Not once, not twice but over and over he called and patiently waited for me. I was always so wrapped up in the moment. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am extremely stubborn and strong-willed. In January of 2005 I think that God decided to kick things into high gear. I started to feel really "off", upset stomache and overall yucky. This was a feeling I had had before, but it seemed impossible. I have dealt with fertility all my adult life, needing a boost to get pregnant. But the signals were starring me in the face so started to keep track of my symptoms. About 2 weeks later I told Tim I was prengant, after he picked himself up off the floor he didn't believe me. Well a home pregnancy test later he still didn't believe it but the line was definant. I scheduled an appointment with the OB and ask to be connected to IV fluids. I get severe hyperemesis when I am pregnant and so I thought if we got a jump start things might not get so bad.
Wrong, I was so sick so sick. And in disbelief, a bit upset in the beginning. How would I take care of the 2 youngest boys, we had just started homeschool, and do all that I needed to around the farm? It took a few weeks but we all started to get a bit more excited about the new prospects. Tim was wonderful, he knew how sick, upset, and worried I was. He quickly had me as happy as he was, we were going to have another baby! I truely deep down hoped for pink this time but really started to get happy no matter pink or blue. We were very busy, the older kids had a High school band trip and we had prom and graduation for Tiffany. Life was a struggle but good, we were really looking forward to our level II ultrasound. One of the highlights of my horrendous pregnancies, normally I was sick most of the pregnancy, tossing your cookies so many times a day that you wore a path to the bathroom. Yea, that kind of sick. Anyway when we got to the appointment I don't think I ever could have been prepared for what we heard. I always just "knew" that all was fine. This time the news was not the same, first we got to see the baby.....a few moments later It's a girl!!!..... And for those brief 10 minutes I felt so blessed. Then my world crashed down around me, in 4 little words.... "Everything looks good EXCEPT" ...... except what?!?! My mind was racing, They told us that we would need further tests but our little girl had a severe heart defect. We were crushed but still sure we would be okay. At the same time we got news back from routine bloodwork that my thryiod was dangerously out of whack. Over the next two weeks I don't think either of us slept. We prayed, and prayed. Our church and friends prayed. On June 17th we lost our sweet baby. Boom...darkness. I felt like the floor had dropped out from under my feet. Life changed........... I still am not sure why....... why were we given a blessing at such cost? Over the course of the next few years God has called..... I have followed giving more but still holding onto "something" I frankly don't know what. What was I waiting for? We were given an incredible "gift" with baby Mackenzie and I will Always be in aws and thankful to Elizabeth for her unselfishness in blessing us with our last daughter. That in itself will be a blog one day soon. In the fall of 2005 I became driven... or crazy my husband would say about having another child. I knew God had another planned for us. We went through way too much IVF processes to find that I should never be pregnant again. Between my shot veins due to som nay IV's and thyroid it would be dangerous. During this time I became involved with an online Mom's support group for infertility and one just for Mom's. I love these groups of ladies. All support all the time.......... It helped to heal my soul. A short time ago one of the Mom's was put on bedrest and a link to her blog was given. I kept seeing "blinkies" about this Mom so a hopped over to see who she was. I found that she was in pre-term labor and she was 21 weeks pregnant. The same as I was when I lost Mackenzie. She was begging for prayers for her baby. I prayed and kept checking in (I still do Megan) 1 day I looked at her favorite blogs and one caught my eye. Audrey Caroline.... hmmm I opened the blog and my life is different. Angie the blog author is a wonderful Christian Mom who in the middle of her own grief is calling others to God. She is such a sweet spirit, so 3 years after our loss, the unfinished business of grieving is complete. I have healed by her words, and have new faith in Christ. Once I figure out how to link her blog I will post it here. She is a wonderful tranparent woman. God's words through her are so strong, her grief is overwhelming but she and now I can run to the cross.
Enough rambling for today....goodness where did all that come from? If you have time pray for Angie, her sister in law Nicole and their babies they long to hold. Read Psalms 84 and pray....... Thanks
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