Early June we got in the car and headed to the hospital for our level II pink or blue scan. This is always a highlight of pregnancy for both Tim and I. When they ask the question "Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" We always about trip over each other yelling YES! This scan is really not for pink or blue but would look for abnormalities and give a good picture of our baby. We just really wanted to know pink or blue, there had never even been the hint of trouble. There was no fear in my mind and no doubt that our baby was fine. After the miracle of getting pregnant, and then being sick for SO long again, enduring IV hook-up for months. I was so sure God was giving us this gift to have and to hold forever. Once we got there they got us situated and the tech happily got the scan underway. The scan started and we immediately saw this our baby dancing and twirling. She was so active the tech commented that she was giving her a run for her money. I commented that I was dissapointed that we couldn't have a cool 4D scan to really SEE our baby. She smiled, poked a button and there on the screen was the cutest baby I had every seen. The tech explained she wasn't very cute yet because she didn't have a lot of fat on her but I was in love with the little alien. Oh and we found out our baby was indeed a girl!! God again blessed us! We were thrilled and I thought to myself “this must be what it feels like to win the lottery”. Then the doctor came in and they told us that he would be checking everything and he would mumble a lot and not to worry. Of course hearing that made me even a bit more determined to hear what he was mumbling. Now I wonder if the tech clued him in before he got there. He was a great mumbler, I couldn't understand anything he said. The next words we told us after he finished were burned into my brain forever. ..... “Everything looks fine BUT”..................... BUT!?!?!? My mind started reeling and I couldn’t breathe or think. He continued to speak..... “her heart”. My sweet little girl had a heart problem I caught my composer as the tears started to roll down my cheeks and we listened carefully to him speak. He recommended that we get an amnio and go for bloodtests. We had passed on the amnio before, it just wasn’t necessary but now we needed to consider it. The results wouldn’t change anything, but maybe this could give us insight into our daughters health and maybe it could give us a chance to be prepared. He left the room and then returned to ask if we would like to speak to the head of Pediatric Cardiology at Children’s we eagerly said yes. The meeting went well and we agreed to go back in for the tests, maybe they could do something before she was born or atleast be prepared when she was.. We only let ourselves hear that she had a heart issue that would need surgery after she was born. He was an older Dr. with very kind eyes and patience to listen to all of our questions. I started to pre-plan for our stay at the NICU. I was still sure that this problem would be resolved. God would just continue to make miracles of our babies life. We decided to call her Mackenzie Faith, and we called in favors from friends, famliy, and church to pray for our baby. After the amnio we waited uneasily through the weekend and on Monday I called the office so they could tell me everything would be okay. That call never happened..... they told us that our baby would not survive. I was also told that my thyroid numbers were extremely bad. We were broken and in disbelief, this could not be happening.......... why would God give us a miracle only to snatch it away. We started praying......... God could fix this and make our miracle even bigger. Elizabeth called 2 days later out of the blue and asked how we were doing.... Through my tears I explained our story. We cried together and she agreed.... God would not let my baby die she would be healed. Elizabeth assured me that everything would be okay. She said “I know you are supposed to have another baby, remember I told you that a long time ago”. She was right, I remembered that after I had Taylor she joked and told me that she knew I would have another baby. I had laughed and told her “no way” 4 times through the IV’s and pucking were enough.
Two short weeks later on June 17th our sweet baby was gone. . . . . . We were devastated, broken, lost. I walked through my days in the dark, it actually really was dark. My days were robotic and thankfully I had my 4 children here at home to keep me from crawling in a hole. I hated the nights, the dreams that chased me caused me to wake myself screaming. Life was no longer my own, I was gripped in a grief that just wouldn't let go. Several weeks later Elizabeth called me and I told her the news, again we cried.. Little did I know that my life was to take even more twists and turns. My normal would never be the same again. The beginning of August we were preparing to send our oldest daughter to college. Out of the nest and not to return she would tell us laughing. (She was back 4 months later.... ha ha). On August 9th Courtney returned home from her summer visitation with her Dad. She was acting strangely quiet and I thought it was just another adjustment time since she had been away. It was hard for her to bounce back and forth. The next day I received a phone call from her Dad telling me that Courtney “wanted” to live with him. We had a short but loud conversation, this made no sense and as a Junior in high school with friends I knew in my heart this was his dealings not hers. The next 4 months God gave me purpose, saving my daughter who was not strong enough to save herself. As I look back I think God sent me through yet another heart wrenching period to give me the passion to get up and move through the day. Court appearances and cross-examinations started to be my life, the worry and concern for my daughter took over. The grief still gripped me mostly at night for my tiny baby Mackenzie. I would still wake sobbing and screaming, the nightmares were indescribable. In December while Christmas shopping we got the call that Courtney would definately be staying with us. The judge was very complimentary towards our parenting. She also revisited child support and doubled the amount we had previously received. She strongly advised Courtney’s Dad to become a part of her life in a real way and not just put on a facade...... but I digress. My fear in early August of loosing all my girls in one summer was put to rest. Courtney would be staying home and Tiffany was back home not living on campus, another story for another time. Just my sweet Mackenzie was missing......
In the following months my heart just would not let go of the thought that we needed to have another baby. Tim didn’t want anything to do with revisiting the pain. We had 4 wonderful kids.......... we needed to be thankful and be done. Although I was very thankful, there was a huge hole in my heart that would not heal. I didn’t want to end my baby years with this terrible painful loss. Tim thought I was being hormonal and after a couple months of me begging told me he didn’t even want to hear ONE word about any more babies till January. JANUARY? How could I do that January was months away and I thought about it every 5 minutes? About the same time Elizabeth called and told me she needed to talk to me. We talked for a little while and then she told me why she had called. She wanted to be a surrogate for us. She wanted to carry a baby for us. I basically brushed it off ... thinking it was just crazy. But she called again and again...... and again. She told me the third time she called that God was telling her to carry a baby for us. I told her thank you but no. I had decided that we would go through one more try ourselves. BUT I couldn’t speak about it with Tim till January.
Slow Cooking equals Slow Living
1 month ago