As we traveled the long trip home yesterday from my Aunt Gin's funeral my mind was still reeling...... So much to take in, so many unanswered questions. My biggest still seems to be "why". Why now, why her. The days before the funeral and even as we traveled back to Indiana yesterday morning in truth I still hadn't wrapped my head around it all. It was all a funny rouse....... when we got to Indiana she would be there. Looking beautiful as always, her hair and nails would be impeccable. She would have the warm smile on her face and she would be laughing. Oh my, she could turn any frown into a smile with that laugh. She could make it all right, and she had a fun ornery side that would pull such a little trick like this just to get to see us sooner.
Sure, she wasn't really gone, there would be no casket, or dimly lit room, no need for multiple boxes of kleenex for all the tears. I would not see my own wonderful Mom and see her just a bit older than the last time. The sadness seeping in around the edges of her face, that she was so bravely trying to hold away. After a long trip that began in the wee hours of the morning we arrived. When we walked inside my illusion was shattered. There was a casket and inside was Aunt Gin, she looked so pretty, but not like I remember in anytime from the past. There was no warm smile or infectious laugh.... There was a lot of people there, who felt joyous for her journey out of this broken world, but sorry for themselves. Sorry that there was silence where in the past had been a voice, a very distinct voice. My cousin Micheal was one of the people who spoke, he reminded us of Aunt Gin's "voice" and heart song that made her the special individual she was. So true, it was said she walked to the beat of a different drummer. You see she wasn't like everyone else she was "special" she saw good when no one else did..... She saw beauty when others saw ugly.
My Mom spoke about her as well, speaking from proverbs.... "Train a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." You see, this was an original 4 pack of girls. Four very different parts that made a complete set. They were "molded" by faith and by the unfailing spirit of my Grandparents James and Bertha Massey. These 4 very different women all had common bonds, bonds of faith, and caring, morals and grace. As we all set and listened to "The show must go on". Playing I could see my aunt smiling in my head, laughing and her eyes twinkling. I realized that we her family here have big shoes to fill, she has in part passed a torch to all of us. She was a part of the molding process that brought me here and now it is our job to "mold" the next generation coming along.
I remember one time as a small child that on one of their visits to our house we were allowed to use the good crystal..... something that rarely happened. We had stemmed sherbet glasses own to fill with desserts. I loved the fancy glasses! She asked me if I knew what it meant to clink the glasses together. he said you see when you click them together it means kiss my ass! then she laughed and joked, I on the other hand was shocked! Wow, she said a BAD word!!! I will never forget how silly she was and the impact she had on my life. Later that night my cousin Tim was unhappy that the girls wouldn't share secrets..... He told us if we didn't tell him our secret he would throw himself down the stairs. His sisters easily said "okay go ahead". Down he tumbled, falling into a heap at the bottom.... then he jumped up and ran to the adults, telling on us for him throwing himself down the stairs. We hear my Aunt giggle.... she said well Tim! "why didn't you tell them you would throw "them" down the steps.'
So today I find myself being nostalgic, the tears are flowing freely, my earthly selfishness is missing my Aunt and wanting her back..........
She would tell us we should never become "moldy" by faith...... sitting still and stagnant. Only existing in the past not sharing our faith with others or staying fresh. We always need to move along and grow........
2 weeks ago